Ambassador Grizzlob of Morn

A Clarification of My Address to the Inter-Galactic Economic Convention

I feel that I must respond to the rather rude assertion of my esteemed colleague, General Grunch, who has informed me that I do not know my nose from my tail. First of all, this is a ridiculous statement. Of course I know my own nose and I also am extremely familiar with my tail which is magnificently long and beautifully scaled.  In fact, I continuously receive compliments on the pulchritude of my tail.

 

 

However, I believe that the General was referring to my thesis that irregulation of the galactic economy has contributed to the current crisis.  General Grunch accuses me of using incorrect vocabulary. I should have used the word deregulation.  How wrong he is.  For his information, I used the word irregulation on purpose.

 

 

After all, what is economic success but the consumption of goods and services which are digested in a healthy manner and excreted in the form of economic stability and prosperity?  Therefore, an Irregular economy is one that is either constipated (what we are now experiencing), or moving too fast.

 

 

I believe that my analogy is quite original.  I really should write a book on it.

Madoff's Missing Treasure

Despite many unfounded rumors, it is highly unlikely that Bernie Madoff hid his ill-gotten fortune on Morn.  I’m fairly sure the infamous Earth scoundrel concealed his loot closer to home. After all, at his age, the man is hardly likely to hop an intergalactic freighter just to retrieve a few galactic credits.  It is rather too bad that this reprehensible Earthling isn’t a more dashing sort. It’s difficult to compose rowdy bandit ballads when the subject is not only quite elderly, but also quite grouchy.

 

I bring up Mr. Madoff’s lost treasure, because I’m getting a wee bit tired of running off Muvins who keep digging up MY flower beds as they search for buried treasure. I am considering setting traps. Of course, then I will have to post warning signs to advise trespassers that I have set traps to catch them, which rather negates the surprise of being trapped. On the other hand, we all know that since most Muvins can’t read, they will become highly agitated when unexpectedly confined to large nets and will probably lop each other’s heads off

 

However, I too, sometimes daydream about  this lost treasure and what I would do if I found it.  I like to think I would help my planet by beautifying my home and gardens – which of course, beautifies Morn.   I would also like to add to my exotic mushroom collection – which again helps the world, because we’re talking about mushrooms.  I have given the matter much reflection, and I have concluded that it would simply not be kind to return the treasure to those from whom Mr. Madoff stole.  After all, they’ve been through such a shock, that it might be quite unhealthy to shock them again.

 

After much research, I have decided that Mr. Madoff is actually a Muvin who is masquerading as a human. That is the only thing that can explain his greedy behavior and obvious lack of repentance.

 

The Importance of Frugality in Times of Crisis

In my ambassadorial vocation, I am often consulted on areas of domestic finance as well as, of course, the inter-galactic financial devastation in which many worlds find themselves.  “Ambassador,” they ask. “How is it that with all the poverty, hunger and displacement happening around you, that you manage to keep such lovely gardens and such a magnificent house?”  Yes, I must humbly acquiesce that my gardens are indeed spectacular as is my abode.  After all, I am an ambassador, and as such have certain standards to live up to.  However, even I have resorted to frugality – some would even say austerity in these troubled times.  I am a firm believer in the sharing of knowledge when it benefits the general public. Therefore, I offer to you these tips on how to save money in the face of financial turbulence:

 

·        Grow your own mushrooms.  This can easily be done in your basement. If you don’t have a basement, a small closet will do. In about two months or so, you will have a lovely crop of mushrooms which you should eat right away so no one else steals them or asks you to share. Sharing is vastly over-rated. It just means there is less for you. I personally grow over thirty types of mushrooms in my basement. Of course I have a very large basement, so I can grow a great many mushrooms.

 

·        If you are unable to grow your own mushrooms, at least purchase them in bulk. Of course, then you must eat them very quickly before they rot.

 

 

·        Accept all dining invitations.  After all, you are doing them a favor by showing up.  Make sure to eat everything your host offers and ask for seconds – unless it is pickled mushrooms.

 

·        Avoid GIVING dining invitations. Besides, you know perfectly well that your guests are only showing up for free food.  There’s absolutely no point in sharing perfectly good mushrooms outside your immediate family. By the way, I’d be cautious with immediate family as well. They can jolly well get their own mushrooms.

 

I hope my tips have helped you face this economic crisis. By working together, I’m sure we’ll all come out just fine – although I’m not exactly sure when or how. After all, we’re all in the same life-boat, bobbing along through turbulent waters and fearing imminent capsize. However, we must be brave! We must be frugal!

How to be a Good Listener

Gorbuls have long been considered the musicians of the universe. We are widely recognized to have the finest voices and the greatest stage presence of all singing sentient species. I mean no disrespect to those sentient species who are incapable of singing, such as Muvins who can’t even hold a tune in the shower,  or to who Slithnians who are physically  limited to hisses. However, even those who do not participate in the noble art itself, can be good listeners, as long as they are polite and don’t resort to throwing things at the performers when they become restless.  Thus, in order to educate the listening audience, I have outlined a few tips which can be universally applied to all venues from the intimacy of the drawing room to the grandiosity of the traditional galactic opera houses and anything in-between.

·        Dress appropriately. Nudity for any species is discouraged – except for religious reasons.

·        Check all weapons, especially noisy ones, at the door. Have no fear, your weapons will be returned to you after the performance as long as you do not lose your claim ticket.

·        Do not throw things at the performers – especially quablum fruit for it is very smelly.

·        DO hum along with your favorite tunes. Singing loudly is also encouraged provided you have a good voice and have been told you have a good voice by others.

·        Body movement is also encouraged. However, please refrain from standing on your chair to do so.

·        Refrain from climbing up on the stage to be part of the action, however tempting this may be.

·        Those who are fungi-intolerant, should not eat mushrooms before the performance.

 

If everyone follows these simple rules, attending even the most formal operas will be enjoyed by all. In fact, I had the good fortune, just last week to attend a lovely production of Verdi’s Rigoletto  at which the entire audience sprang to its feet to enthusiastically sing “La Donna e Mobile” .The aria was only slightly ruined when some over-excited Muvins drew out their swords and began hacking at the furniture.

 

Of course, my personal favorite remains Puccini’s “Quando me’n vo”  which never fails to wrack me with sobs as I join Saranisi Moltonini in her poignant rendering of this toe-tapping favorite.

 

In fact, there are times when the call of music is so compelling that I am sorely tempted to throw off this mantle of ambassadorship and pursue a career on the inter-galactic stage.

The State of the Economy

As we all are fully aware, the state of the inter-galactic economy is in shambles. Many entire planets are ravaged by famine and others lack all forms of energy. Some of us, myself included have had to make sacrifices which cut into the very fabric of our existence and wellbeing. For example, I have given up my slorth oil massages. While this may seem like a small thing, I assure you it is a major deprivation on my part. Furthermore, it means that my masseuse will be out of a job as well as some poor slorth flower gatherer. I therefore have some suggestions to improve our lives and help turn the economy around as we must all do our part.

·        We should all spend more money.  We need to make sure that the masseuses and slorth  gatherers have something to do.

·        All inter-galactic governments should spend more money on projects they can’t possibly afford. Projects are fun. They take lots of planning, and even if nothing is accomplished, everyone feels like they are doing something.

·        Individuals should all save more money.  This is important, because one reason we are in this mess is because nobody bothered to sock any money away.

·        Governments need to save money and be more responsible. This means they should not spend money on things they can’t afford – except for special  projects, as mentioned above.

·        We should all make more money because then we could spend more money as well as save more money.

·        Governments need to make more money, but not by taxing people – which is very unpopular. A better solution might be traveling circuses where the crowds throw currency at the acts which please them most. Since many sentient beings are unemployed and have a lot of time on their hands, they would be thrilled to watch their favorite politician juggle over-ripe quablum fruit or balance on a high wire – especially if there was no net and there was the risk of a messy demise.

 

I hope this has answered all your questions about the state of the inter-galactic  economy.